Tuesday 31 December 2013

Why I had you - A letter to my son



I had you because I thought you would give me something I was missing - the next kick, the next big high. I had you because 9-5 just didn't cut it for me anymore and the prospect of carefree days making cupcakes and meeting friends-with-buggies for coffee seemed rather appealing. I had you because I thought the new range of baby girls' clothes I'd seen in the department store last week were adorable and I quite fancied the prospect of picking out a pink outfit each morning. I had you because I thought that I could cope with sleepless nights, because the joy of motherhood would be greater. I had you because I thought that you would fit in to our lifestyle. I had you because I believed that nurture was greater than nature; that our love and care would be enough to make you 'just like us', or at least behave just a little, instead of running riot down the supermarket cheese isle or responding to everything I say with screaming 'no' and chucking stuff.

I had you because I heard that ladies were giving birth for centuries, and they did alright. I had you because I heard babies slept through the night from 6 weeks if you get them in a routine, or you fed on demand, or you co-slept... or something. I had you because other mothers told me I should, and they seemed to be loving it... except for when they seemed to be angry for no reason when I told them I'd slept in till ten O'clock.

I had you because I had heard that ginger was a recessive gene.

I had you because I had dreams of us making dens (you find them boring after two minutes). I had you because I thought we could read my favourite childhood stories in silly voices (you only choose the ones I don't like). I had you because I had visions of us painting pictures and making stuff (you prefer Maths).

You had me because you had to.

You came with no agenda, no rule book, no preconceptions. You accepted me because you had to, you had no choice. None.

I'm sorry.

I love you because you're you, because you scream until you get my attention, because my attention is that valuable to you. I love you because you make me laugh, even if I shouldn't be laughing at the way you just asked if that lady is a man. I love you because you teach me new things every day. I love you because you are determined. I love you because you want different things out of life entirely. I love you because you only eat things that are rectangular or square. I love you because you don't have the attention span to sit and watch cartoons; you would rather be discovering something new. I love you because your dance moves are awesome. I love you because you put worms in families.

I love you because you're a boy.

I love you because you're ginger.