Tuesday 23 April 2013

You're tired?!

This is my exact diary extract on: sun 6/3/11 (Albie 9 wks old).

I was in so much pain feeding him today - he was so aggressive and restless and I'm actually finding it pretty hard not to get angry with him, as though he should know what I've been through for him. I cried a lot today; I've just had enough and I want to pack it all in and run away.
Despite this, I managed to get out the house. Neil was supposed to come too but he was too tired. Well, you can imagine my response, "YOU'RE TIRED??!" That went down well. It's so much harder to take a baby out of the house on your own but I needed to do it - I have to force myself to otherwise I'll sink into a pit of depression; which in physical terms resembles one of stinky nappies and washing. I need to see people to make me feel like I'm still alive, that I'm more than a dairy cow or a cleaner. It's worth going out even if it's ten times the effort.
I gave Albie a feed before I set off which would render most babies content for a while. Not Albie. True to form, as soon as I arrived at my destination his beady little eyes opened, sussed the place out and then kicked off, big time. I tried everything but nothing settled him so I left my friends after 30 minutes and drove home with him screaming the whole way.

Wednesday 10 April 2013

Mum Bore

I'm sure there comes a point in any mum's life when she realises she's become the mother she said she'd never be - whether that's resorting to using a dummy on day one, licking toothpaste off your child's face with your own spit, or even sniggering when they say a word such as 'fart' for the first time (yes, I'm that mature). The realisation of this hit me like I'd been slapped in the face with a wet fish (or by super nanny herself); I did indeed give my child a dummy on day one; I am now infecting his precious body with top up evil formula and I often open the door in my pjs at 3pm with baby sick in my hair.

Today I was looking forward to a day with my mum and my sisters to have a nice girly day to take my mind off baby things. We had a good old catch up and they all cooed over Albie, until some of his poo leaked out onto my sister's leg, but that's another story. My mum jumped at the chance to go and change his nappy (what is it with grandparents that even poo becomes cute?!) and left me and my sisters to have a good chinwag. The conversation started by discussing the latest gossip as per usual, except this time, instead of showing them my latest fashion purchase or telling a funny story from a night out, now my gossip sounds much more like this: "oh my god, you will never guess how cracked my nipples are!", which doesn't quite have the same ring to it, I'm sure you'll agree. I told them all the 'hot gossip' about the birth, down to the number of times I had to shout 'I want to die' and then informed them of my breastfeeding woes and my sleepless nights and before you know it.... oh god, no; I'm a 'mum bore'.

I'm a mum-bore, one of those mums who talks about boring and often borderline cringeworthy things that other people do not want to talk about, at least not in that amount of detail. It's one thing to do the things you said you'd never do out of desperation, but saying things is a whole new ball game. I remember my own mum discussing things like menstrual cycles on the phone and swearing I would never become a 'mum bore'. Oops.

I've often put 'mum-bore' syndrome down to just getting a bit out of touch with what is an acceptable topic of conversation, a bit like my grandma talking about her Haemorrhoids in public, but I actually think it's more the shock you feel in having to deal with so many unacceptable things that you need someone to confide in before you have a nervous breakdown. You want someone to tell you that it's okay that you've had a baby ripped out of you and you still have the wounds to prove it; you want someone to say it's okay for you to have a baby constantly stuck to you like a leach, or that you're eating chocolate for breakfast because a) you haven't had time to make anything nutritious and b) you need the extra energy for breastfeeding, honest.

Going through all this stuff is hard and you need someone to share your life with. So although I will try to remain dignified in the information I share with others, this blog is my release... sorry if I'm a little inappropriate at times but I promise not to talk about haemorrhoids or you have my personal permission to slap me round the face with a wet fish, or a super nanny, or whatever the hell you like ;)

Do you find you say things you thought you never would?