Thursday, 11 October 2012

The Hopelessness graph

We finally get released from our prison sentence,
I mean, hospital!!

(Based on diary extract from 31/01/2011). 

I finally got out of hospital today after about a week, although I keep expecting another midwife to knock on my door with a clipboard of new policies stating why I have to go back in hospital. My emotions go from sheer joy to sheer hopelessness all day. If I plotted them on a graph it would look like a thrilling new roller coaster at Alton Towers. People keep telling me how amazing it is to have a baby but I can honestly say this has been the worst week of my life (eek, did I just say that?!). People look at me blankly when I say I'm not enjoying myself - as though all mothers have relished being drained of all resources for centuries (or maybe just been involved in the world's biggest conspiracy theory and they forgot to let me in on it). Well, I'm sorry I'm not one of them and I'm not going to lie about it either. I hear stories of women who gave birth in 3 hours, or didn't even take a paracetamol and I just want to cry. Deep down I feel like a failure.

I know it's just a bad experience; I was just one of the unlucky ones in that way (Oh yes, but the luckiest woman alive to have a beautiful healthy baby *disclaimer). I only have one more week of Neil being at home and I just don't know how I'll cope. I think we've got the fussiest baby known to man! He takes an hour to feed, then nearly as long to get off to sleep because he's so restless, then he wants feeding again! I'm left with no time in the 'routine' (erm, what routine?!) to do anything else unless Neil helps.

...but then I rock Albie to sleep and I pace the floor with him till my arms feel like they're about to drop off. He nestles his tiny head into my neck and coos. I feel his delicate soft skin against my face and his soft red hair. He smells of heaven and I just want to bottle it! I can see the graph in my mind's eye souring up the 'joy' scale again. That is, until he projectile vomits all over my shoulder and the graph takes a sudden sharp decline.

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