"Isn't she doing well??" A note to new mums.

Isn't she doing well? She gave birth 5 hours ago and now she's back home cooking tea.
Isn't she doing well? She's still breastfeeding at six months.
Isn't she doing well? She's sent out 100 thank you cards for her baby gifts within a week of being out of hospital (home made, of course).

You hear that phrase a lot - the 'doing well' analysis of new mums, as though there are a hidden list of rules somewhere that dictate what good parenting is. Of course, there are definite rules for bad parenting, but I'm presuming that if you're reading this then you will most likely be up for doing the best for your child. It's funny then, that despite most mums trying their utter best, there is still certain criteria for 'doing well'. People told me I was 'doing well' too because I showed signs of 'successful' parenting (according to the hidden parenting rule book, whoever wrote it). These well wishers, who probably only wanted to encourage, sometimes failed to realise the stereotypes they were creating as to what 'doing well' actually meant. I was told I was 'doing well' for persevering with breastfeeding, for example, despite being in horrendous pain and practically house-bound for around three months. What should have been an encouragement, in reality, made me feel like I was a phoney - like I was not doing well at all but couldn't give up. I wanted to 'do well' for my baby despite making my whole family miserable. Looking back I'd have done well to give up.

What about the mother with post natal depression, who may struggle to even get out of bed? What about the mother who opted for a c-section to avoid birth trauma, or the mother who chose to bottle feed because it gave her more freedom and made her a nicer person to be around? Do we have to put on a brave face to be doing well, or can we have a total melt down, feel a crap parent and still be 'doing well' because we made it through the day and we're all still alive?

Well, I'm here to tell you that you're doing well.

You're doing well because you chose the methods of parenting that worked best for you and your family - and everyone's happier because of it. I'm here to tell you you're doing well, despite feeling like you sometimes can't cope. I'm here to tell you that you're doing well because wearing pyjamas at three o'clock in the afternoon is just fine. I'm here to tell you you're doing well, though you may feel like a failure today, because your baby is getting cared for. You're doing well despite those moments where you wonder if you've even made the right choice to become a parent. You have, and you will be great. You're doing well if you need no pain relief in childbirth, or if you had the lot. You're doing well if you love breastfeeding, or if you prefer the bottle. You're doing well if you co-sleep with your baby or if you leave them to cry it out a bit.

The only criteria for 'doing well' is that you love your child. End of. We all need helpful advice, but there will be no one else more equipped than you in knowing how to do things 'well' because no one will ever love your child like you do. Aren't you doing well? Yes, amazing, actually.