Tuesday 3 June 2014

Feminism, Motherhood and Kirstie Allsopp

"At the moment, women have 15 years to go to university, get their career on track, try and buy a home and have a baby. That is a hell of a lot to ask someone. As a passionate feminist, I feel we have not been honest enough with women on this issue." Kirstie Allsopp


The article on Kirstie Allsopp this week has provoked quite a reaction. If you haven't read it, Kirstie suggests that women should have children before the age of 27 so that they can focus on their careers later on in life – an interesting and somewhat traditional viewpoint, considering that women are encouraged from a young age to study hard and build successful careers. Career has become a priority, meaning that childbearing is pushed out of thought: career first, kids later.

I feel privileged that I have had more opportunity to further my career than previous generations. Because of this I have been able to study and get on the path to a good career and I would not have done it any differently. Women, thirty years or so my senior, would always question when I would be having children - a question I thought was quite preposterous at the time. After all, having children was for in your thirties, not when you'd only just learnt to make a decent brew for your colleagues. I can see my younger self squirming at Kirstie's comments; I was headstrong and determined to make something of my life, other than changing nappies and cleaning vomit.

The problem, then, is when you get to your thirties and you're still working your way up the career ladder. It's taken a little longer than you thought. And yes, you still like to go out and enjoy yourself and do whatever the hell you like with your spare time. The thought of being controlled by whining children does not enthuse. Raising children is the last thing you want to think about. That can come later. Or not at all.

When I reached thirty I had to be honest with myself - I was never going to be ready to have children. I knew I would never look at a baby and feel brudy; I would never think the joy of cuddling a newborn would be worth surviving off next to no sleep. But, I did want children; I'd always envisioned having them. I wanted to have a fun home; I wanted family holidays; I wanted an excuse to be a kid for longer. I saw my future and it involved them. So I had a little boy and he turned my world upside down.

The strangest thing happened, though, after I'd had my little boy. I seemed to have more of a drive to do the things I wanted to do. He taught me new things about exploring life and treating it as an adventure. He made me realise what was important to me. But, perhaps because of my new found drive, my career stepped up a notch too and I was asked to work more and take on more responsibilities. My life got that little bit harder. Am I done with kids yet? Can I press on with my career now, or do I actually enjoy having the best of both worlds? Should I have done this sooner?

Having a child aged 30, still relatively young compared to most people, was in the middle of my career. This brought along its fair share of problems. Having a child no longer affected just me and my family, but my colleagues too - particularly working for a small business. What should have been my personal life choice soon seemed to affected everyone else too. And once you've had one child, you're under pressure to make your mind up about any future children – not just for your own future, but the future of your career too.

There are, of course, pros and cons to having children really early or really late, or just plain in the middle for that matter. In fact, have them when you like, there will always be hardships. Although I agree with Kirstie in that women are under far more pressure than men and need to consider their 'fertility window' when looking at career options, I do not think there is a right or wrong time to do so because everyone is different. And that's where I think I have a problem with Kirstie's opinion, particularly the speculated conversation she would have had with her daughter, should she have had one one:

"I don't have a girl, but if I did I'd be saying "Darling, do you know what? Don't go to university. Start work straight after school, stay at home, save up your deposit - I'll help you, lets get you into a flat. And then we can find you a nice boyfriend and you can have a baby by the time you're 27."

If my mother had said that to me I would have moved out as quickly as you could say 'bake me a cupcake'. I find the fact that Kirstie counts herself as a feminist quite odd when she would take all freedom away from her imaginary daughter. I hope that my son feels he has the freedom to choose whatever path he likes when making his career choices, and, if I had a daughter I would tell her to pursue the things that bring her most to life. If that's that's children, so be it. If that's a job, so be it. If that's university, so be it (if we can afford it!). The fact that some members of my family were so against university, pushed me all the more to go because I didn't want to end up in a job that I hated all my life. I'm very glad I went to university and pursued the things that were important to me. I'm very grateful that my family was able to support me in it.

That doesn't take away the need to be honest about child rearing and fertility, of course. I made a decision based on the future I wanted, not how I felt at the time. I'm glad I did this because, with my track record of indecisiveness, I could have been waiting years for the 'perfect time' to have a child. My generation is one that relies on feelings; we do not plan for the future; we're less likely to save than previous generations. There is more freedom that comes with that, but if we're not careful we could end up basing our lives on brash decisions with no depth. Just because life may be difficult now, will it be better in the future? As women, we can't wait for feelings to tell us when to have children, we need to be real with ourselves about what we really want. We can't respond to pressure put on us by others, our work colleagues or families. Or Kirstie Allsopp, for that matter.

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