Sunday, 21 December 2014

You know you have a child at Christmas when...


It's that time of the year again where we long for peace on earth... or in our own homes at least. Christmas is all about family, but no Christmas will ever be the same again once you have little ones to share it with. Here's how you know you have a child around at Christmas time:


Your Christmas tree looks like it's been vomited on by a tinsel monster
Gone are the days of a beautiful pine tree with baubles that are colour coordinated with your Farrow and Ball feature wall. No, you now have a practical plastic tree to avoid unwanted pine needles spread around the entire house – or worse, being eaten by small children. Not only this, but try telling your little one that, no, they can't have their misshaped, glittery Santa decoration they made at nursery on the tree. Have a heart. The trouble is they've made several of them, and you don't think they will forget about last year's efforts do you? It's okay, you think, I'll just place them neatly behind the more tasteful ones, but now you have a handy helper whose distribution skills are on a par with a drunken postman. Before you know it, your tree is looking rather lopsided and full of multicoloured tinsel that is more suited to one of dame Edna's dresses than your Farrow and Ball paint.  

Your children resemble Duracell bunnies
In the weeks up to christmas it's like they have been gradually wound up until they are more hyperactive than a puppy on sherbert. So much for peace on earth. And whose idea was advent calendars?! As if kids need any more reminders of how many days they have left to go completely and utterly bonkers. A countdown to Christmas is one thing, but then some evil manufacturer decided to add chocolate into the mix too: that little bit of extra sugar to just tip them right over the edge. Thanks a million. 

You consider a less traditional Christmas dinner
Imagine how many hours a year parents spend trying to get their kids to eat vegetables. Now imagine a day when they are expected to eat a whole meal full of every variety possible. Not only this, but some smartass decided to introduce a one-off extra just to piss kids and parents off everywhere: sprouts. Geez, why not just make them eat Grandma's ear wax, that'd probably go down better. I don't know about you but whenever I plan a family meal out I go for the meal with the lowest risk of tantrums: pizza. Is pizza express open on Christmas Day?

You hope to God for gift receipts
Every family with have that one relative who gets your kids the most annoying presents known to mankind. Such relatives have no concern for how much space you have in your living room for a plastic slide, or how much mental capacity you have for a toy that plays jingle bells on repeat. It's all very well on Christmas Day but this relative has no idea how irritating it is to hear jingle bells in the middle of March. Still, at least their all-singing, all-dancing toys will save you a trip to Vegas. 

There are tears before 3pm
Christmas is a day of heightened emotions and all that excitement is sure to land with a crash- usually at 3pm when grandma is trying to listen to the queen's speech. You try to keep your cool but you realise that you have nothing left to bribe them with because they've already had more treats than a circus chimp. Instead you have to resort to distracting them with uncle Brian's jingle bell toy until you eventually have a melt down yourself. 

You secretly like resorting to a little kid at Christmas
Not only do you have a legitimate excuse to watch Polar express on repeat, you get to play with the scalextric you never had as a child. Deep down you have to admit that Christmas has never been better. Go on, admit it, there's nothing quite like seeing a child's excitement on Christmas morning. 

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