The top 10 phrases you'll hear as a new parent

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So, you've just had a baby. You're no sooner out of your hospital gown than your aunties and uncles and next door neighbour are round with little baby grows and a wealth of advice. I thought I'd best just prepare you for the inevitable phrases you'll here once you've birthed your newborn so you can get ready with your answers. Here are the top ten:

1. "When are you having another?"

This question is like asking someone on the first day of their new job when they will be starting another one. You would have thought people would give you time to recover from your recent ordeal of what feels like discharging a baby whale from your body. Alas, no, people feel that this is a perfectly acceptable question to ask, as though you plotted on your calendar when each addition to your future army of children would arrive.  

2. "Is he/she sleeping through yet?
Why don't you just ask me if I've paid my mortgage off yet, if I've had my guttering fixed or some other utterly depressing question? 

3. What you need to do is....
The inevitable advice will follow when you say that your baby is not sleeping through. Have you tried rocking him? Soothing music? Walking him in his pushchair? Facing him towards Mecca? Yes, yes, yes, I've exhausted everything from singing lullabys to performing witchcraft.

4. You called him what?!
It's the raised eyebrows when you say what your baby is called, the queries as to whether you thought of x,y and z when you chose his or her name. No, you're right, I totally didn't think it through, I just picked one out of a hat and hoped for the best.

5. Is that breast milk?
If you get out a bottle for your baby it seems to provoke a question about whether it's contents are milked from your udders. I've started asking these people similar irrelevant questions, like, "Is your apple organic?" or "Is your coffee fair-trade?"

6. he looks just like...
Cue relatives recalling how their great granddad had the exact same eye colour or how auntie sally had a dimple in her cheeks. You didn't think your baby was unique, did you? If he or she has an unexplained feature you better get searching your family photo album for clues.

7. is he good?
No, he steals chocolate when I take him shopping. No kidding, at the age of two months.

8. Enjoy every minute!
Yes, I really loved it when my baby pooped all over his clothes today. Oh, hey, and he did this really cute thing where he screamed throughout the whole of his feed and then puked it all up all over my favourite top! What a hoot!

9. Your baby is so chilled!
Yes, he is always like this. He never cries and he's really no trouble at all. Sometimes I go a whole day and realise, oh, there he is sitting in the corner, bless him!

10. You can't imagine life without them, can you?
Yes, all the time. I imagine days out shopping without having to plan the next feeding pit stop. I imagine going on holidays and laying in the sun instead of clearing up the vomit from a child who's overdosed on sand. I imagine weekends where I get to stay in bed past 5:30am. I daydream about it often.