Monday 13 April 2015

The forgotten fathers


the forgotten fathers, fatherhood, fathers, parenting, parenting blog, mother diaries, dads, modern dad
photography & lettering by www.lisamaltby.com


The forgotten fathers. 

Since having children I have never been more thankful and yet more irritated by the man I married nearly ten years ago. I have never been more in love, yet never been closer to ending it all. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but these people probably didn't have children. Couples who decided to procreate in order to 'restore their relationships' rarely do so. Parenting is tough and marriage becomes even harder because of it.

Deep down I guess I've always known that love is a choice - not something that is instinctive like Hollywood would have you believe. At three o'clock in the morning, when I've just put my baby back down to sleep, it is a choice for me to love the man who randomly selects these moments to start snoring loudly. Equally, it is a choice for him to continue to come home every day when I snap at him for absolutely no reason whatsoever. 

One thing about this choosing to love business is that we both bought into it on that day filled with confetti and cake back in 2005. We both decided that we were in on this partnering business 'for better or for worse.' We naively said those words like we were revolutionary; like we could take on the world and still come out dancing the tango (or to some rubbish garage track, as it was back then). The reality of love is that even without children it is a pretty challenging commitment, but with them and all the exhaustion they bring, it can be near impossible.

Many people comment on my husband's input into our family life - they say that he is a brilliant father. And he is. But what I find strange is that onlookers will praise him because he changed a nappy or read a bedtime story, as though it is somehow a novelty. People label such fathers as 'modern dads', which in reality means they've chosen to partner in the parenting business, instead of taking the back seat of previous generations. Admittedly, I'm sure there are couples who make a perfectly good marriage out of traditional roles but, thankfully, women are getting recognised as being equal; that in general there is no such thing as a 'pink job' or a 'blue job'. I am grateful for a man who enjoys and excels at cooking and he is grateful for a wife who puts up shelves.

There is a difference, though, from being equal to being the same, and the same we are not. As much as it would be a relief for men to tackle pregnancy, labour, childbirth and breastfeeding, it is never going to happen. These are the pink jobs we cannot avoid if we want to have families. We are, by nature, more vulnerable; we are more likely to endure physical pain; more susceptible to body changes. It is the very nature of how we were formed and we cannot deny it. Women can be left to feel like the underdog when they become mothers and life as a parent can create a chasm between us and the men we married.

But in amongst the whirlwind of those first few years of motherhood are the partners who have to exercise more choice to love us than ever before. They have to choose to overlook our lost sense of self; our new-found yet older-looking skin; our scars and weight gain. They have to choose to step into the chaos and partner with us, or else retreat and become a father of the past: distant or authoritarian. 

And here's the thing we need to recognise when we choose to partner with one another; men have to overcome the years of stereotyping in the same ways that we do. In a world where many men still choose to oppress women, there are those that stick their necks on line and trip up our prejudiced opponents. There are those that choose to love more selflessly, with less public recognition or financial reward. There are those that let go of their power in exchange for giving their partners a leg up where they would have otherwise been stuck.

And amongst them are the men that suffer too. There are those who have to watch helplessly as their wives get torn apart in childbirth. And before you jeer at that remark, imagine how you'd feel sat at the bedside of your hospitalised child. Seeing someone you love suffer and being able to do absolutely nothing is painful, and men are expected to breeze through childbirth as though they shouldn't be affected by it. There are also those who have had to journey with their partner's post natal depression, and there are those who suffer with depression themselves but get no help because they are 'fathers' and don't count. There are those who raise children on their own; whose wives walk out; whose lives are shattered, and we tell them to 'man up' and get back to fulfilling the role of their forefathers: to show no emotion or pain.

It's time we started to truly partner with one another, to try not to fight over who is the biggest martyr or who got up the most times in the night with their children. It's not about tit for tat or making sure we're getting what we need in order to gain power in society. Love is a choice, but it's also a journey, one that is sometimes uphill and difficult, but made all the more pleasant for having someone to lift you over the bumps.  

I still think a lot needs to be done in our society to break through the stereotypes that are all too easily placed on women,  but let's not in the process forget the men who stand by us; who support us; who make us smile. Let's not forget to invest in the partnerships we committed to all those years ago with confetti and cake. 

So thank you to the fathers who journey with us, who encourage us, who change nappies, cook dinners and play games. Thank you for giving us a leg up where you could have chosen to walk away. Thank you for partnering with us, for cheering us on, for loving us. 

And thank you to my lovely husband who gives me space to be myself. Let's crank up the garage.

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