Monday 25 March 2013

Milk Police

Based on diary entry 28.02.11

Tricky subject this one. You all know I like to be very honest but I also like to remain somewhat dignified: I swore when I became a mother that I would not be the type that talks about things like nipple cream and maternity pads at a trip down the pub (a trip to the pub, what was I thinking?!). However, I write these posts to my younger, childless self and I swore I would be honest to those who wanted to know what being a mother was really like, so let's press on.

Breasts....  (I'm hoping my Dad hasn't discovered this blog yet). As I've mentioned previously I may resemble Pamela Anderson at her peak (no pun intended), but this comes with it's inevitable setbacks: one being the sheer discomfort, two being their change in job role and three being the fact I have to shove them into bras that resemble something out of a 1960's oxfam display window. I feel so sexy. Not.

More to the point (keep those puns coming...), I hate breastfeeding. ARGH, I said it! I may have to change my identity and lay low for a while to escape the milk police. You didn't think there was such a thing did you? Wait till you have children and they pop out from everywhere. Yesterday I even had a delivery lady ask me if I was breastfeeding, practically as soon as I answered the door (or did I just forget to fasten my nursing bra?!). I gave a tired 'yes' and she nodded in approval and said it was 'the best way'. See, they even go around in disguise. Now don't get me wrong, I do think it is the best way, else why would I be getting up three times a night to do it? But if I hear one more woman say that 'breast is best' I'll clamp their nipples in a vice and ask them what the hell is best about that sort of pain!

I was told at the start to give it a month and it would get better. 5 weeks later and if anything it's worse. I've had every midwife under the sun checking he's latching on correctly (which he is, apparently) but then why am I in so much pain and why is it now taking him over an hour each feed because of all his fussing? I've even resorted to taking expressed milk out to bottle feed him when I'm out to avoid the stress and the pain but I feel like everyone's judging me. I feel like I need to label the bottle in big red letters 'FRESHLY SQUEEZED BREAST MILK', in case any milk police work at costa.


  1. Ha! Yes there are definitely Milk Police out there! I breast fed my son and he took to it like a pro, my daughter though has been a different story! I however feel that as I did it with my son I cannot possibly not do it with her despite the cracked nipples, mastitis, giant leaking udders that no pad could control that I had to endure in the first few months (is that too much info!?). I even bought a "Hooter Hider" for when we are out but that is basically like a massive sign shouting "Woman over here with her boob out!". What we mothers have do eh? x

  2. Ha ha! It's a nightmare isn't it?! Sounds like you're doing an amazing job!! I don't think I could do it again! It makes me feel better to know that every baby is different anyway and it wasn't altogether my fault! Hope it gets better! :)

  3. Personally I preferred the bottle. So did my kids, coming from me. But using somebody else's milk beat having to mix it up yourself any day.