Sunday 10 March 2013

My new accessory

based on diary entry 26.2.11

Before I had Albie I would make sure I invested in a decent outfit before I went out - or at least jazz one up with a decent accessory. I remember people telling me how when I became a mother my child would become my new accessory and I'd spend hours in Mama's and Papa's depleting all of my maternity funds on new baby outfits. I know many mothers like this but I am not one of them. My logic is that baby's don't have any knowledge of fashion. In fact, you'll find that babies seem to hate fashion because the moment you put them in anything expensive they vomit all over it. Babies, contrary to popular belief, don't care how much money you spend on them or check for designer labels in their baby grows. They want to be fed and cuddled. End of.

You would think, then, that when I became a mother I would not change my fashion habits. Wrong. I now have a whole new sense of fashion. There are certain fashion rules of thumb that I've lived by my whole life which have now totally gone out the window. For example:

1). Wear black if you put on a few pounds, it's very slimming.
Wrong. Classic mistake for new mothers wanting to hide their mummy tummies this - that is, until their baby vomits white sick all over them and it dries like cottage cheese. Best stick to those faux pas patterned outfits - 90s patterned trousers are ideal for disguising vomit.

2). choose a neckline that is flattering to your face.
Wrong. Choose a neckline that stops your gigantic milk jugs from accidentally making an appearance. Tops are now a practical item - and you may as well order several in that 90s pattern again to match the trousers, though you'll soon be wearing clashing outfits when all your shell suits are in the wash.

3). Wear the right shaped bra to flatter your size. 
Wrong. You don't need any flattering in that department because a) they're massive, b)You're partner won't be going anywhere near them and c) It's all about support and accessibility. You sexy thing you.

4). Have a haircut that flatters your face shape.
Wrong. Don't get a haircut. You'll be wearing it up for the next 6 weeks and dousing it in dry shampoo every 3 days. 

Despite all this, however, I do consider Albie my new accessory. Not for fashion but for more of a social accessory. I've always found large social gatherings a little daunting... I never have the right things to say when starting new conversations. Now social occasions are a walk in the park because no one even looks at me anymore... they are all too busy cooing over my son and if they get past him they just look at how huge my boobs are and then move on. Admittedly it's not the most rewarding existence, I'll give you that, but I am pretty happy to fade into the background for a bit and not have to talk about the weather or ask someone what they do for a living. That is, until someone asks to hold him and then I'm left explaining why I'm wearing a patterned ski suit from the 1980s.

Find out more about me at

No comments :

Post a Comment